Friends are an important part of your children’s lives. Guiding and helping them to choose friends is an important part of parenting. However, at the end of the day the final choice rests with your child. They will need to go through the process of choosing friends and learning the difference between close friends, good friends, acquaintances and those to whom we need to just be civil.
Purposefully choose to befriend parents of those children who you believe will be a good match. These would be friendships that will bring out the best in both children.
Share with your child the characteristics you look for in your friends and explain why you are friends with the people you are friends with. This sharing of your heart helps your child to understand the criteria needed to help them choose friends.
“Were you ever told by your parents, “You will not be friends with…” or “You will not date so-and-so”? How did that turn out?
[1] In their article, ‘Making Good Friends’ the authors state that (Lawrence Robinson, Anne Artley, M.S., Melinda Smith, M.A. and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.) a friend is someone we trust and with whom we share a deep level of understanding and communication.
They state that a good friend will:
- show a genuine interest in what’s going on in your life, what you have to say and how you think and feel;
- accept you for who you are;
- listen to you attentively without judging you, without telling you how to think or feel and without trying to change the subject, and
- feel comfortable sharing things about themselves with you.
Peer Group
The peer group plays an extremely important role in the child’s development, fulfilling the following main functions:
- Comradeship: the child has friends to play with, and with whom to talk and spend time. The peer group supplies love and affection.
- Opportunities for trying out new conduct, especially conduct that adults generally forbid: the peer group also provides opportunities for learning positive social skills, such as cooperation and negotiation.
- Transference of knowledge and information: ranging from tasks such as the training of a friend in the use of a computer to jokes, puzzles and games.
- Obedience: a peer group teaches its members obedience to rules and regulations. Children learn that violating these rules and regulations can have negative consequences, and that compliance is rewarded with acceptance by the group.
- Gender roles: the peer group expects each member of the group to conform to the group’s norms and standards — boys must be ‘real’ boys and girls must be ‘real’ girls. For instance, a boy regarded as a ‘sissy’ is unlikely to be accepted by a peer group whose members are proud of their masculinity.
- Emotional bond: the peer group causes a weakening of the emotional bond between a child and their parents. This is an important step in the development of independence so that one day the child will be able to leave the parents’ home without experiencing intense psychological trauma.
- Relationships: the peer group provides its members with experience of relationships in which they can compete with others (their peers) on an equal footing and, thus, refine their social skills, assertiveness, competitiveness as well as their abilities of cooperation and mutual understanding.[2]
[1] “Making Good Friends – HelpGuide.org.”. Accessed 7 Jun. 2020.
[2] Louw, D. et al. 1998: 367 Human Development, Cape Town, Kagiso Tertiary
