Siblings
Sibling issues are CHILD issues, and their responsibility to solve. The parent’s responsibility is to teach them how.
Sibling rivalry is normal and happens in every home. It is the manner in which the sibling rivalry is played out that is important. Be proactive in preventing sibling rivalry by meeting their needs for time, attention, love and approval.
We need to teach and model conflict resolution: How to have ‘intense fellowship’ so that we are still ‘fellows in a ship’ after we have resolved our differences.
Your children need to learn to stand up for themselves, develop their communication and debating skills. They need to own their relationship with their sibling, for this is the precursor to life itself. This is where the rough edges are smoothed out so that they can put into practice all of the skills that allow them to develop in the safe loving confines of their home.
Sibling rivalry takes place because of:
- competitive jealousy; we have competition on the sports field, not in relationships;
- evolving needs of the child; teenagers are independent, toddlers protected;
- parents ignoring teasing and taunting;
- age differences;
- parents taking sides;
- temperament clashes between individual children;
- special needs or sick children;
- children under twelve being left at home alone;
- parental problem resolution and
- comparisons being made between siblings should be avoided where possible; anything you want to say to one child, should be said without any reference to the other.
Sibling rivalry resolution:
- parents need to model conflict resolution to their children when interacting with their spouse or another person;
- ‘coach’ children to use appropriate words;
- treat children individually, avoid preferential treatment;
- set up a ‘win-win’ situation by establishing ground rules for acceptable behaviour;
- separate children until they’re calm;
- teach them how to resolve conflicts:
- no shouting
- listen, to understand your sibling
- allow whoever is speaking to finish speaking
- take turns
- look for the solution to prevent the disagreement from recurring
- apologise and work towards voluntarily asking and receiving forgiveness
- what did I learn about myself? what changes do I need to make so that I become part of the solution to reconcile my relationship with my sibling?
- whenever possible, remain uninvolved; adult intervention prevents children from learning how to:
- value another person’s perspective
- how to reach a consensus, compromise and negotiate
- and how to control aggressive impulses
Seek help if sibling conflict leads to family problems
There are times when someone from outside the family is needed to mediate. In cases like this, the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child” rings true.
